This past week has been personally challenging and very draining.
It not only took a lot of out of me, it also took me to a different place – a very dark place which I have not visited in a very long time.
I am not at liberty to share more as it involves and affects other people. More them than me. So, I have to respect their privacy.
I apologise to all my friends for not being around, and to those online friends for not being able to read their posts lately. Yes, I have tonnes of emails to reply too.
I will resume once I have pulled myself together.
For those who think I lead a magical life – well, sometimes it is magical. But it never lasts. There will always be new horrors and nightmares just to remind me that nothing is permanent. Good or bad, everything changes.
Sometimes the truth is scarier than the lies we tell ourselves.
Sometimes, the lies are more comforting at the beginning…a temporal relief because we are not prepared to face the truth.
Sometimes, the hell is the “bed” we make for ourselves.
Here, I am grateful for the art of fearless living. If I had not been “training” myself in this “art of fearless living”, I think I would have easily succumbed. The idea of downing the bottle of bleach like it was a bottle of scotch was tempting. But not tempting enough.
These days, I rather be hurt by the truth than be consoled by the lies.
Even my own daughter had asked how did I become so strong – well, the truth is, I didn’t choose to become strong. Sometimes, there is no other choice. When being strong is the only choice, then we learn just how strong we can really be. But it does not mean that we will not get tested as time goes on. It does not mean that we will no longer need to struggle. As I have said many times, the battle is an on-going affair – into greater depths, and heights. We will not know until it is all done.
So, as I lick my wounds and count my blessings, I remain grateful and hopeful.
I refuse to be bitter, angry and sad. Most of all, I refuse to be pitiful.
I share the following quote from Toni Morrison to remind myself to always LOVE and VALUE myself, first and foremost.
Yes, I can laugh now. And that is a very good thing.
It is really about loving ourselves in the right way – whether you are a man or woman 🙂
“You think because he doesn’t love you that you are worthless. You think that because he doesn’t want you anymore that he is right — that his judgement and opinion of you are correct. If he throws you out, then you are garbage. You think he belongs to you because you want to belong to him. Don’t. It’s a bad word, ‘belong.’ Especially when you put it with somebody you love. Love shouldn’t be like that… You can’t own a human being. You can’t lose what you don’t own. Suppose you did own him. Could you really love somebody who was absolutely nobody without you? You really want somebody like that? Somebody who falls apart when you walk out the door? You don’t, do you? And neither does he. You’re turning over your whole life to him. Your whole life, girl. And if it means so little to you that you can just give it away, hand it to him, then why should it mean any more to him? He can’t value you more than you value yourself.”
~ Toni Morrison
So, whatever happens, always remember to have faith in ourselves.
We are much stronger than we think. In fact, we are much more capable than we give ourselves credit for.
Life can knock us down and beat us up, but it cannot defeat us when we do not quit.
Many a times, people tend to reject themselves first before anyone else does. And they don’t really give themselves a chance to begin with.
So, before we seek someone else to fall in love with us, perhaps it would be great to fall in love with ourselves first.
Yes, to love ourselves for who we are – warts, flaws, weaknesses and all. Because somewhere in all of that, there is also immense beauty 🙂
As always, stay fabulously fearless and love the life you live.