Guest Blog: How I discovered Fearless Living by Oliana

I like to say that I did get lost for a while, but each bump I encountered  on my journey, I fell some of the time, I grabbed a post for support other time and I embraced what once I resisted and finally found my way…my place.

I am humbled that Shirley has asked me to be a guest blogger since SHE is the one whom I aspire to write as well some day!  I am a 61 year young single woman, mother, grandmother, friend, counsellor, blogger turned writer and lover of words, humanity, nature and world peace.  Here is a poem that describes my life best.

 

Lost and yet I’m still in love with love   

I always wanted to learn more,

Explore, discover …go back to school

I wanted children, a house, a home

Had dreams of things that were… so… cool

I dreamed of writing and so much  more

I gave up lots and yet what for?

You…

 

I used to feel I could do anything

Mom even said I was the best!

She always said, “Follow your dreams”

              And yet, I traded “me” for “we”

I gave it up, to answer love,

To feel, to sense, to give seemed real

I traded “me” for “we” and yes…

I showed you love and gave you more.

But then we drifted into darkness

And then we lost a love so pure

And then time stopped with us… for sure

     As we lost “us” along the way

We lost the love that went astray.

 

We both thought love meant giving in

surrendering out of fear for sure

We both thought love meant listening

You talked, I listened …that’s for sure.

I thought love was sincere and pure

forever generous and forgiving.

But then…

                   I grew up …

     We lost each other along the way.

My love was young, naïve and pure

I think I gave unselfishly

We were so young, so immature

Just teens play acting adult roles.

     We lost each other along the way

And now I’m leaving,

It’s now or never

I can no longer wait

I’m drawn in one direction

               survival …

We just got lost along the way

I`m just so very tired

with such restricting ties

that bind me to another self

I know not anymore;

I’ve disappeared

I’ve vanished,

I am no longer here!

Investing only in your dreams

has taken my identity

self-worth reduced to meagre portions

it’s melted into nothing

I’m just a woman, a wife, a mom,

a prisoner of your wants and needs

so long endured, cannot survive

I can no longer serve this greed.

          We just got lost along the way

             But , I am still in love with love.

 

Your frown, your anger, and frustration,

Your discontent and pointed finger

at me with such contempt.

Your thousandth ultimatum

you’ve voiced too many times

that I should change or leave for good

your credo “my way or highway”

has pushed me at an impasse

I have no other choice

I’m tired, I’m spent …

and so diminished…

fed up of listening to all your lectures

of what I should or shouldn’t do

according to your dire needs;

They’re not my needs, they never were.

      We just got  lost along the way

             But , I am still in love with love.

“I should, I must, and duties are”

we just do not live in the fifties!

where some men ordered women

to answer to their every whim

to acquiesce submissively!

I can’t perform  such ancient roles!!

Can you not see the futility?

 We just got lost along the way

             But , I am still in love with love.

I almost stopped believing

in my dreams,

you set so many obstacles

upon my path

Your only way to trip my dreams.

Yet I was bold,

I took the challenge,

I did not fold

way too resolved

to fill my dreams.

I truly gave with all my heart,

I know, I fell in love with love 

I had that dream of romantic love

that dream sustained me many years

until my soul no longer thrived

I have to save my soul to live.

the only way I  can survive.

But

I’m still in love with love.  

I always thought divorce would have been my most difficult life challenge since I wanted our marriage to work and I wanted our children to have both parents together at all costs…well, almost all costs. Trying to find my place in the world as woman, and a divorced woman was even harder.

I had never met loneliness face to face until I moved 6 hours away from my life, when I moved to Toronto. I had never in my life lived alone…ever.

I had to move 6 hours away from home to find work. It broke my heart to leave my kids 16 and 18 but they had their lives, their friends here and were completing their education. My daughter was in high school, my son in college.

It was such a huge move for a divorced woman. Those who judged me the most unfortunately were women.  They looked at me with piercing eyes worried I would steal their “tongue hanging” husbands…yuck!  Fortunately, 2 years later, my daughter joined me in Toronto.

Oliana

The first few years were the hardest and yet I discovered a new life. I could not find work in counselling yet, but I used my contacts from former employment in the corporate world and my social skills…after all, I had a degree in Human Relations and Social Science!  I ended up selling nuts and bolts for 2 years and my sales soared.  That steel company became my second family. To fill the void of working in human relations, I volunteered at a distress centre as a counsellor and a volunteer co-ordinator. Life was okay but my heart was still aching for my family, my son, my friends and my mother was slowly quenching the thirst of Mr. Alzheimer.

I had discovered a new world of clubbing and dancing!…what did I know about dating when I met my husband at 15!  I could feel the eyes of some men look at me when I walked into a bar.  You have to understand that women in Quebec do have a flair for dressing.  I just wanted to have fun, dancing and finally enjoying myself. I loved music, especially Jazz , Soul and R & B;  I loved dancing and I had several female friends who joined me in this fun.

Being naïve, I fell in love with the first man a friend introduced me to.  He had a brilliant mind, was funny and only few years younger than me. He was also in the navy…and yes, to me, he was “an officer and a gentleman”. But after 2 months I discovered he did have another woman at another port…so ridiculously unoriginal but what can I say?  I was naïve and such a bloody romantic.

Oh, did I mention that I had suddenly come alive sexually?  I could not get over the change in me. Within 2 weeks after I accepted my husbands’ ultimatum, I started feeling alive sexually. I was getting in touch with a part of me I had denied for many reasons. Let’s just say that growing up as a girl in the ‘60’s, that was considered the “weaker sex”, endured emotional and sexual abuse, and then a life partner that had a jaded view of women sexually…so very demeaning and vulgar, just squashed my sexual “self” from ever coming out totally. How could I have known all the pleasure I had missed out on?!  Here I was at 45 and feeling like a 30-year-old woman who was at the peak of her sexuality.  I have to add,  I think many women stay at that peak for the longest time…and I do understand dearly departed Edith Piaf now for her choice of younger mates…oh do I understand her now!

The bar scene was fun for dancing but not meeting anyone serious. So I did what any level-headed single person would do in the late ‘90’s…registered on a few on-line dating sites.  I met some interesting men and had lovely “first dates”.   I had a wish list and one was to date someone with a Harley. And I did date one man for a month that had a Yamaha with the look of a Harley’s 1952 model edition. Sitting on that bike at 130 km on the highway felt as exhilarating and liberating as flying trapeze on our 16ft catamaran…really! 

I was getting tired of the short-term dating and finally met a kind (safer) man whom I dated 3 years.

That was when I finally found the love of my life…my new employment, counselling on a youth line. I finally met compassionate people who shared my world view, I had finally come home!

I eventually volunteered as well for a Bereavement group helping children with their grief and there too, I had met my niche.  Who would have known that at that point my 3 relationship would come to an end, and I was surrounded by people who understood “grief” and “endings” and that my father died 2 years later, who also lived in Toronto; I was so well embraced by friends who were counsellors and this bereavement group. 

That was also an important time in my life… I began reading more on Buddhism.  I learned to embrace my suffering and boy, did I hold on tight sometimes anticipating the outcome only to discover enlightenment.  I still use this philosophy with youths who struggle with severe mental health conditions and traumas in their lives.

My new philosophy I have learned to explain simply, to youths is there IS light at the end of the tunnel. You see the tunnel is one huge gigantic pipe that has curves and is connected to other pipes. You can’t see the light yet…you have to walk in the darkness in order to reach it.  You may even arrive at a crossroad where those pipes are connecting and eventually you will get on that path, turn that curve and see a glimpse of that light…know that the experiences you have endured have earned you significant lessons that have led you to a higher place of enlightenment.

Namaste….Oliana, Whispering Insights.

 

It is such an honour to have Oliana guest blog for me. We met quite by accident. Apparently, a man who was pursuing Oliana came by my blog to ‘shop’ for erotic poems to seduce her with. I think it was the 7th poem in my series of Poetry Erotica, ‘Lyrical Desire’, which led Oliana to google for my name. In her own words, This poem is how I discovered your site. A man who is flirting with me chose this poem…of course I Googled it to see who wrote it. So you have men shopping through your lovely website to woo women.” 

And this is how Oliana and I became ‘online’ friends. Come to think of it, I have to thank that man. Without him, I would not have the pleasure of knowing Oliana. She is truly a gem. Please do check out her site at Whispering Insights. Among other things, she is a Poet of the soul.

As always, start your own brand of fearless living and love the life you live.

Peace! 🙂 

 

Being Afraid Is Human, But Staying Afraid Is A Choice.

1 Comment
  • shirleymaya
    October 22, 2013

    It’s a real pleasure meeting you, and a great honour, Oliana 🙂