SEX, DATING AND THE SINGLE MOTHER: WHAT GUYS SHOULD KNOW

As some of you may know by now, I am a single mother. In an Asian “traditional” context, it is like being a “ghost” – because there are people who will never really see you, and then there are those who can see you but they are too afraid to go near you. In fact, some will quickly run the other direction.

 SEX, DATING AND THE SINGLE MOTHER: WHAT GUYS SHOULD KNOW

Although we claim that we all live in a modern society, certain “stigmas” still exist. Some view single mothers as a “death sentence” because no man would willingly want to pay and raise another man’s kid/kids. It is like picking up the tab for someone else’s fancy dinner party that never ends. Or, it is like what the dude below posted in his FB status.

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Most of the time, single mothers are labelled as “a truckload of baggage”. And in Asia, some very rich and very married men actually think of single mothers as perfect “mistress-material”. These men assume that single mothers would welcome the financial support, as well as getting laid on certain days of the week. Apparently, the wealthy married men are never available during weekends. Weekends are reserved only for their real families. I know this NOT from personal experience, but from some single mother-friends who only date married men. Well, they have their own personal reasons for “enrolling” themselves into that kind of arrangement, but we shall not get into that in this post.

So, in a world filled with young, beautiful and available women – single mothers seem to be pushed to the bottom of the barrel, in terms of dating and men. We seem to be stuck with the married ones, or the men no sane women would want, or those we may have to end up supporting – both financially and emotionally.

In other words, “good men” would not willingly choose us – because in choosing us, they would also have to explain to their parents, family and friends as to why they chose “us” when they could easily have someone younger, more available and without all those “excess baggage” to deal with. Especially, if the men in question have never been married, and are “eligible bachelors” for every “single” woman out there.

Hence, you might appreciate why I have not dated for over ten years. In fact, my daughter has just turned thirteen. I got divorced before she turned two. I think many people may find this shocking, but I assure you – it is true.

smd

However, this does not mean that I have not been pursued or “propositioned” in all these years. I just have not been “enticed” or “inspired” to take up on their offers for dates…until this year, that is. It all began when my daughter officially became a teenager, and told me “to go get a life and start having fun again”. I am certain it is a ploy just to get me off her back.

Nevertheless, I started being more open and went out on a few dinners, or drinks just to meet new people. I wanted to check out how much the dating scene had changed since I was last an active participant of it. A decade can alter a great many things. I had forgotten what a date looked like, and felt like. To this day, I have only been on one “drinks date” and three “dinner dates”. No, they were not with the same men. Yes, it was purely for drinks or dinner. Let’s just say that it was a real eye-opener for me. Now, I can understand why some single mother-friends of mine prefer to just stay at home. They have resigned completely from the dating world, and have quit on men.

So, this post is specifically DIRECTED at the guys out there – who are open enough (or courageous enough) to date single mothers but have very little clue as to what it really means.

I came across two interesting articles written by men, for men with regards to this topic. They are:-

1) “Having Sex With a Single Mother” –  This article is from a site called: The Modern Man. The founder of “Modern Man” is also the author of the article. His name is Dan Bacon. His site’s tagline is “Dating Advice That Works”. You can read all about it here.

2) “Dating A Single Mother” – written by Lawrence Mitchell. This article is from a site called: Ask Men. The site’s tagline is “For The Better Men”. You can also read all about it here.

Notice that the first article’s title is “having sex with a single mother”, where as the second is “dating a single mother”. I am inclined to think that the first article wants you(the men) to “score”, where as the second article wants you to develop a real relationship with a single mother. Either way, I am sure the “ultimate” intent is to “seal the deal” – as with all dating tips for men. Sorry, I could not resist inserting that bit.

Though both articles provide helpful advice, I found the second piece more insightful and understanding of single moms. However, I would like to highlight these 7 crucial points to the male-readers out there.

1) First and foremost – you do have to ask yourself if you are seriously MAN ENOUGH to take on the challenge of dating single mothers? It is unlike dating single women. I can guarantee you that. If you are not up for it, then just walk away and don’t even start – no matter how hot that yummy mummy looks like. I repeat, just walk away.

We have a chinese saying and it goes something like this, “Do not start something that you cannot follow through and complete.” 

joshwolf1

2) Know that your normal “modus operandi” in dating or your usual “game” may not work all that well with single mothers. They have been through enough unpleasant or disappointing experiences with men, So, please do not toy with her. Do not BS her with the routine sweet nothings and cheap talk. Be straight and upfront with her. No games. Seriously. She does not have the time or day to deal with that kind of BS. She has a bunch of things going through her mind and they all require her immediate attention, because she has to multi-task, ALWAYS.

asian-multi-task-single-mom

3) There will be a lot of resistance, ups and downs from the very start. Do not expect that it will go away anytime soon. Single mothers are more cautious and guarded with their hearts. They may seem vulnerable and emotional, but they remember what it was like to be “suffocated” in a terrible relationship/marriage, to have their hearts shred to pieces, and they do not EVER want to go through that EVER again. So, please do be VERY patient, compassionate and understanding towards her and her “crazy” life.

As Lawrence Mitchell wrote in his article, “You thought your life was tough? Try being a single mother. Think you have a lot of responsibility to shoulder? Try being a single mother. Try being accountable for another life. Chew on that before you complain that she has to get back to drive the baby-sitter home.”

Take comfort in the fact that eventually, your persistence will prove to her that you are worth her time and most importantly, her heart. Therefore, don’t be flaky and unreliable.

dating-with-kids

4) Her Kid/Kids will always be NUMBER ONE. You may only reach number 3 or 2, at best. Should she receive a call from her child/children, or (touch wood) if there was to be an emergency involving her children, she will spring into action for them and leave her date with you. Or, if her ex-husband could not collect her kids at any assigned time, she will have to rush off to pick up her kids and break her date with you.

Accommodating to her child’s needs supersedes yours. If you can understand this, then you would know how to be supportive of her and not blame her. And by all means, please do not ever put her in a position whereby she needs to choose between you and her kids. You will never stand the chance. Because she had spent nine months carrying her child, then delivered that child with considerable pain, and then she continued to spend years nursing that child through every wound, and scar. Her love for her children will never stop or die. A valuable word of advice here, please do not ever refer to her kids as “baggage”. Her kids are individuals she loves and cares about deeply. Kindly please respect that.

If you seriously want to date or have a relationship with a single mother, you have to understand how deeply she values her kids. Then, when you have made it through the front door and be introduced to her kids, you’ll consider yourself “officially welcomed” into her inner circle, so to speak. You’ll also appreciate what a “milestone” it is for you to be able to meet with her kids. So, please do invest  the time and effort in getting to know her as well as her kids.

However, a word of caution here. Please be sure that you are really into this woman, because once you get involved with her kids’ lives as well, anything you say and do will also affect them.

“Make certain that the woman is worth it or else, you will disrupt more than one life.” ~ Lawrence Mitchell. 

5) Are you prepared to make certain sacrifices? There could be some real changes to your lifestyle. Because suddenly, you may find yourself visiting more playgrounds than clubs, or going to places which are only family friendly, and etc. You would also have to deal with her EX. And this will not be a one-time thing. Unless, if her EX is dead, lives in another country or has been completely estranged from her and the children. Your usual activities will also change, perhaps even your car. Say goodbye to your sexy sports car or any dreams of owning a sleek two-seater, and say, HELLO to Minivans or SUVs. Yes, you do really have to think this one through.

 

6) Not all single mothers are jumping at every chance to hook up with a man. These days, more and more single mothers are very discerning and less desperate. In fact, many single mothers are not at all desperate. We do not usually hang around in clubs or bars, longing to be picked up. Not typically. Heck, at every chance of any free time, we’re more likely to catch up on some serious sleep for a change. So, if you seriously want to establish a real relationship with a single mom, you need to give her advance notice for dates, getaways and any other planned activities. Her life runs on a very packed schedule that is intimately synced with her children’s school calendar year. Above all, expect that there will always be a chance of sudden change of plans and even cancellations at the very last-minute. Please be very considerate of this whenever you plan something with her, or for her.

7) SINCERITY AND HONESTY at all times. I cannot stress this enough. Yes, there are single mothers who just want to have fun and probably might just use you for sex and only sex. Yes, what a dream come true that would be for you. However, the majority single moms are looking for someone much more stable, mature and responsible. So, please be absolutely clear as to what you want and KNOW exactly which type of single mother she is.

As Dan Bacon puts it, “Determine which category she fits in and what your intentions are with each single mother…if you know that you’re only interested in a fling and definitely don’t want to be saddled with the additional responsibilities of dealing with and paying for someone else’s children, it would be unfair to pretend to her that you’re a potential husband or a committed father figure. Single mothers appreciate your honesty more than you will know, so never put on an act – it’s bad news for both of you.” 

So, after reading all of the above, you must be wondering – why bother dating a single mother in the first place, right? After all, there are other “fishes in the sea” and they come with less “demands” or “conditions”.

True.

You are definitely spoilt for choice out there. You do not have to date a single mother.

At the end of the day, what it is really all about is FINDING THE RIGHT WOMAN FOR YOU.

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Some male friends of mine have dated, and even married single mothers. They tell me that the rewards far outweigh the risks or challenges. They have grown to love her kids as much as her kids have grown to love them. That familial bond became something which they grew to cherish over time. It is a constant learning process. Sometimes they get it wrong but other times, they excel.
There are also men who would only date single mothers. They reckon that single moms are more mature, stable and understanding. They feel that they can actually have real conversations with the single mothers, minus all the mind games and guessing games. Like all relationships – it takes time, work and love. In the case of single mothers, you have to add her kids into the whole equation.

Lawrence Mitchell points out in his article that, “the reward to dating a single mother is considerable. She could end up as the most devoted and loving woman you ever meet, if you exercise patience and compassion from the outset.”

Dan Bacon further states in his article, “So, if you like a certain woman – don’t worry what people think. Go with what makes you the happiest.”

I will leave you with three questions to ponder upon.

1) Does she get you like no one else can or ever could?

2) Would you do the things with her and for her that you normally would not do for anyone else, but feel like it is the most natural thing to do?

3) Can you imagine continuing your life as it is without ever having known her?

When you know the answers to the above, you’ll have the answer you need.

Happy dating and the very best of luck!

dating

Being Afraid Is Human, But Staying Afraid Is A Choice.

35 Comments
  • denmother
    April 10, 2013

    I have a good guy who’s stuck it out for 10 years! We’re not married and we don’t live together. We take “taking it slow” to a whole other level! He makes himself available enough that I don’t always feel like a single mother anymore. Divorce takes a toll but he’s been so patient and devoted that he’s made it possible for me to be part of a romantic relationship again. And the ex? That’s a whole other chapter. That would be my baggage, not my awesome kids!
    Denmother

    • SHIRLEY MAYA TAN
      April 10, 2013

      Thank you for sharing your comments 🙂 It’s really wonderful to learn about the men who are brave enough to take on dating the single mothers challenge and the women who are courageous enough to open their hearts again. Especially after the toll that divorce spawns. I love your blog, by the way. I think it’s just awesome. Thanks for dropping by for a vist. I know how busy you are 🙂

    • nishta nama
      July 26, 2013

      hello here is 20 years youg booooy with thousand of love if want love peace full life Ma’am then kindy contact me because i looking for mature loving women..
      homessweet_ots@yahoo.com

  • Theresa Goh
    May 16, 2013

    Chanced upon your blog via FB and this particular subject rings true. Short of getting hurled at if I were to comment more, I know all too well, single mothers often stay single. I will be alone soon as my 20 yr old daughter is leaving to further her tertiary education but work and friends keeps me happy and staying single is one of the best decisions i have made. Like yours, my daughter is nagging me about finding a companion but no, I’m good. Good luck with raising your kids and take care.

    • SHIRLEY MAYA TAN
      May 16, 2013

      Thanks for your comments and sharing, Theresa. I think when someone has gone through bad relationships, they do become adverse to it. And it does not help if the men they meet are not decent and nice. Hence, as long as you are happy – this is all that matters. I am open because I think it is possible to find love again. However, whether it will happen in this lifetime, that’s another story. By the way, I have a Guest Blogger coming up next week and she will write about dating again after divorce. Please come back and read that blog post when it is out next week 🙂

  • Robin
    May 29, 2013

    Have you considered single fathers? Single parents should only date other single parents.

    Otherwise, the only childless singles that would date a parent are those far below your looks league that you’d never consider before you had your kids. So one advantage to dating a single mother is that he can date a hotter girl than he could otherwise land.

    If the father is still active, why not only date when he has the kids? Your kids can meet your bf when they turn 18. Keep your dating life separate from your kids if at all possible.

    You don’t put the bf first, so he doesn’t have to put you first.

    • SHIRLEY MAYA TAN
      May 29, 2013

      Should Asians also just date Asians, and Americans date only Americans? 🙂
      Personally, I think it is a matter of chemistry and connection – sometimes, we don’t get to choose who we fall for. When children are involved, they should come first before adults – as a general rule because they are young and need help. Otherwise, how can we possible call ourselves responsible and caring adults regardless of whether they are our child or not. This is just my personal opinion and you are definitely entitled to yours. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and comments 🙂

      • SHIRLEY MAYA TAN
        May 29, 2013

        oops…typo – it should be “possibly” and not “possible” 🙂

      • A
        June 13, 2013

        That’s different. You chose to be a single mother. You chose to have children. You didn’t choose to be Asian. Interracial dating is a completely different issue though, and for the record I have no problem with it.

        Most single parents do find it easier to date other parents because they”get it” in a way that childless never will.

        • shirleymaya
          June 13, 2013

          I agree that single parents would find it easier to understand other single parents. Hence, it is easier in that sense to perhaps date other single parents. However, it is not impossible to date childless or non-single parent people as well. As I have mentioned in the blog itself, I have many friends who date or even married single mothers. They are happy. Essentially, it is about who we love and we connect with. For the record, I did not choose to be a single mother. My marriage fell apart and we were divorced as a result.

  • Val Fernandez
    June 15, 2013

    I know of a guy who married a single mother with an eight year old girl in tow, had 2 sons later, loved all of them equally. Despite the ups and downs of matrimony, they are still together after 23 years to date. As for the girl in tow, he sent her to University, she has a banking career now (not in Malaysia) and she has blessed this couple with 2 beautiful grand daughters.How he dotes over them!

    If I may quote from a birthday card sent by her to her step- brother on his 21st birthday:

    “I am sorry that I don’t tell you more often how much you mean, and how much you have always meant to me. We have a closeness that doesn’t need to be measured in miles. Ours is the the warm and sharing kind that has always been measured in memories made, reassurances given ….You are a big part of my life and you will always be…I don’t know what I did to deserve a great brother, but whatever it was ..I hope you know that I treasure you so much and I’m eternally grateful we are a “FAMILY”!”

    OKAY FELLAS MAYBE YOU CAN LEARN SOMETHING FROM THIS SHARING!

    • shirleymaya
      June 15, 2013

      Beautiful sharing. Thank you!

  • Huang Poh Lo
    June 15, 2013

    Most single mothers of today are independent, confident, very cautious and have clearly defined tracks to run on. They have a purpose, though life can be tough, challenging, and some may even suffer in silence. Some build fortresses around them and their lives are a closely guarded secret. Most that I have come across, prefer to be, without dates, until there is someone out there, taking every other thing constant,who is able to make them miss a heart beat.

    • shirleymaya
      June 15, 2013

      They have learnt to be cautious from experience.

    • Jas
      February 4, 2015

      Yup, this definitely defines my outlook in dating as a single parent.

      • shirleymaya
        February 4, 2015

        Have you dated much or just stayed away from the dating scene, Jas?

      • shirleymaya
        February 5, 2015

        We should start a dating club for single parents haha

  • KS
    August 4, 2013

    great insights….good advise for this clueless fella who is in love with a single mom.

    • shirleymaya
      August 4, 2013

      I wish you all the luck, Kin Seng. Hope all goes well. Thanks for your comments 🙂

  • KS
    August 5, 2013

    Thanks for your wishes Shirley.
    Her struggles and strength as a single mom makes her simply amazing and inspire me to be a better man.
    Thank you for your article as it provides me a direction to be of a support for her.
    Looking forward for your additional sharing on this topic if there is any.
    My salute to you, Shirley.

    • shirleymaya
      August 5, 2013

      Hi KS,

      Thanks for your very kind comments again. You may like to read this other post on single mothers http://shirleymaya.com/2013/06/19/a-single-mothers-perspective-on-dating-love-and-marriage/
      And you are right. Single mothers do have their fair share of struggle. Hence, to be supportive also requires the man to be very patient, understanding and most of all, loving. I sincerely wish you all the best! 🙂

  • joseg
    August 20, 2013

    single mom or dad.not so easy.ned to accept ho zm i or wat am l

  • KS
    November 5, 2013

    Hi Shirley. Hope all are well with you.
    Do you have any tips as to how to connect with my gf’s daughter?
    I have just met her for the very first time last weekend and of course naturally the child was pretty displeased by my presence eventhough I tried to connect with her.
    I am now googling for articles of such and am very much more interested to learn from your first hand experiences.
    Much appreciated Shirley and take care.

    • shirleymaya
      February 4, 2015

      Sorry KS. I have must missed this comment somehow. I didn’t realise that I have not even replied. Hope all is now better in your relationship with your GF’s daughter. Let me know if things have improved. The tips would depend largely on the age of the child. Wishing you all the best. Take care. 🙂

  • tania
    February 6, 2014

    I’ve been a single mother for almost 2 years. I’ve gone out on a few dates but never found anything serious. I’m almost at the brink of just giving up on the whole dating thing I just don’t think it’s going to work or I will find a guy who is right for me and willing to date a single mom. I really enjoy reading your blog and glad I found it.

    • shirleymaya
      February 6, 2014

      Thank you for your kind words. It takes time to heal and especially, to feel again. I am sure the right person will come when the time is right. In the meantime, we just enjoy our lives and cherish what we already have 🙂

  • daniella
    February 13, 2014

    thank you for this article. I am new at being a single mommy and there are days where i just feel i am a plague to society since i am also asian. They do treat us differently and its sad because it doesnt make us bad people. I feel being a single mom made me grow up since my life was going nowhere and i felt i had no purpose. yes there are days where i feel i will be alone forever and sad that since i already had a hard time finding a good relationship, this will be the reason why i will be alone. But i feel this will help me weed out the good guys from the bad since men in general stay away from single mothers. Hopefully one day i will meet someone. Its funny how i single guys with children and fully accepted them as my own but now as a single parent, i feel single moms are ranked lower than single fathers. Im not saying single fathers dont have a hard time, i respect and admire men who take care of their children and actually salute them since i feel single moms and dads are on the same team. Im speaking how people view single fathers to mothers, they put that divide and of course put women with kids lower. Great post my dear! 🙂

    • shirleymaya
      February 13, 2014

      Thank you so much for taking the time to share, Daniella. I am always very moved when fellow single mothers, and women write to me about their experiences. You are right that some people still think it is acceptable for a single woman to marry a single dad than it is for a single guy to marry a single mother. Especially if the man has never been married before. I hope by sharing and writing about our collective experiences, we can also bring the greater whole to a kinder understanding of single parents. Above all, single mothers.
      I am confident that you will heal in time, and your heart will open up to love again some day. Take your time to discover yourself. Every individual, male or female, has something valuable to offer to the world. So, find what excites and makes you happy, then pursue it all the way. No matter if we have a partner or not, the most important thing is that we are happy with ourselves.
      You may like to read my latest article published at Huffington Post UK Lifestyle. I highlight the “prejudice” against single mothers in this article at http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/shirley-maya-tan/undateable-me_b_4757737.html
      I would also like to invite you to join me in my Facebook Fan Page at https://www.facebook.com/FearlessShirley
      Wishing you all the very best, Daniella. Stay fearless and beautiful as you are.

      Much care,
      Shirley

  • Jas
    February 4, 2015

    Hi Shirley,

    Lovely post. I, too, am a single mom of three for four years now. At 33, I currently don’t have the time nor the inclination to date; what with a demanding full-time job, three kids with one in the spectrum, and my own personal endeavors in search of a better me (sometimes just in search of sanity). I do hope that whoever I get to date in the future gets to read your post and save us both the time and avoid future heartaches, something I’m not keen to go through again. Looking forward to reading your future articles.

    Much love,
    Jas

    • shirleymaya
      February 5, 2015

      Hi Jas,
      Thanks for taking the time to share more. I am going to start by saying, you are still very young at 33. I just celebrated my 45th birthday! hehe
      I can empathise how you just don’t have the inclination to date after working long hours, taking care of 3 kids, and etc. It is easy to lose ourselves in the whole spectrum of making a living and taking care of family. However, I applaud you for seeking to improve yourself. When we invest in ourselves, we win in the long run. Nothing can take away the skills, talent, experiences, wisdom, strength, knowledge and etc we have gained when we invest in ourselves. And if we are lucky to find someone who loves us in the way we want to be loved, then that someone actually gains a better us. So, it is a win-win situation in my perspective! 🙂 Yes, by all means, send the guy over to this blog first. Test him out by how much he understands from reading the posts LOL
      I wish you all the very best. Btw, I am launching my very first Newsletter this month. It will only be available to those who subscribed to my blog via email. I hope you are subscribed. Would love to stay connected with you, as your sharing and comments are most helpful.
      Thank you again. Have a fabulously fearless day! x

  • winfredlimit
    April 29, 2015

    Hi Shirley,

    Your Post was quite Great and it really gets my attention to reflect. Honestly, I’m 27 and like you I’m also Asian, a Filipino for being specific, and this is my first time in my life to be in a relationship. You see, My Girlfriend was actually a single mother of two kids. The eldest is a boy (8 years old) and the youngest is a girl (6 years of age). She was my very first and praying to be my last and only Girlfriend in my Life. We are going to be 9 months this coming May 8. Currently, we are in a situation that you will never believe. We are in a Long Distance Relationship – Me, her and her kids. Talking geographically, Philippines is divided into three major Boundary Lines; Luzon Area, Visayas Region and the Mindanao Part. She is currently in Luzon, I’m in Visayas, and her kids are in Mindanao. That’s our current reality state. How did I get involved into this? Here’s my story.

    My career is in the world of Design and Construction. I am an architect and I was the trusted Project in Charge by my Employer to handle certain projects in Mindanao. I was 26 that time. Our office is based in Visayas. This is my first ever job that is very far from home. Mindanao was known as not a safe place for its constant terrorist-rebel-military conflicts. Though, I still volunteer to handle and lead the project. We travel by sea and have an 11 hours of land trucking of man power and materials. That was June 2014 and the first Project was in Panabo City, Davao del Norte. Then on July 22, 2014, I lead the Team to another city for another project. Not for long about 11 days we settle in that City, I met this Young Woman in a Body Massage Therapy Parlor. It was a Public Place where you are cared and massage openly together with other customers – men, women, old people and children. Actually it was also my first to try a body massage. Honestly, my Foreman who was concerned of me suggest that I should try to relax myself for sometimes and brought me to such place. I was really hesitant to go and give in eventually. At that day, I first saw her, my feelings towards her is so at ease which I couldn’t explain. We became friends immediately and we don’t even know why. She feel at ease with me too the moment she saw me. We send text messages and sometimes calls on very late at night. Until one day I confine to her my feelings. I knew she was a single mom from the very day we first met. She felt awkward to me as I courted her. And of course she dumped me. What could I say. But the very unexpected things about me that I didn’t know so much of myself is that I courted her again the next day. I really don’t know why but I know most guys who court girls and are dump won’t court back. But I’m different. She dump me again and that is the second time. She was 26 too. Her reason was that, she is not worthy for me – I’m a bachelor and she is a single mom. She explain to me that there are so many single women out there that is perfect for me than her. She even mention that what could possible a single mom can offer to a bachelor like me. She’s afraid she may be the one that will destroy my life. She reminds me that she’s not well off in terms of financially and I’m from a middle class family. She said she cannot give the love to me because she have a child to mind. Yet she told me inside that she really did like me. But later reminds that our WORLD was totally different and we can’t be together. It was painful, yes really painful. However, we see each other the next day. Totally realizing what was happening, I began talk to her, sharing that she was the only woman I was meant to be with, accepting all the odds and negativity. I am a straightforward and open person. Then I slowly show my feelings and without knowing I began to kiss her. Then she kisses back. That was my ever first kiss in my entire life. That was the day we became us. I had my Job and she has hers. We see each other daily after work. We hang and go out together. Most of the time we talk reality. That’s what I love about her. We had each other for 13 days.

    She then began to take her leave to another province, very far from my job site. She told me she will be back and reminds me that their place has no signal for any communication. We lost contact for 21 days until she reaches to me back for she had returned. However, I was no longer in the said city. Our project had already finish and I was assigned to another province which is 3 hours travel from the previous one. Yet, we still text and call everyday. Then one day, on September 13, she invited me to her Child’s birthday. However, I wasn’t able to attend to because my Job ends at 6PM and my travel took me around 3 hours. Sadly, I haven’t met her child. Though it was very late at night I came, she still welcomes me warmly. She hadn’t had her kid with her (her kids was with their father, thought she and her ex were never married and they are not living together). Because it was late, and I am just a traveler to that city, of course I don’t have any place to stay so we stay in an Inn. I know there was something that is bothering her so I let her had all the

    time to share with me everything until she confine that she has a daughter (at the very first day her coworker just told me that she is a single mom, never been married and had just 1 child). I really did knew she was going to tell thieving about it. I had my research about her before, she just didn’t know. However, I accepted her whole heartily for being her. It wasn’t her fault for the misinformation I took from, it was from her coworker until such time I began to solve every puzzle of her life before she even knew it. I told everything what I know about her and yet I still accept and love her. Then she began to cry. I calm her. She told me how she bore her son when she was 18. She share to me her fears, sadness, challenges about her life. How her ex leave her when she was pregnant and then came back when she was going to deliver the child. They had live together for a time and then got separated again because she found out her ex was cheating on her. She wanted to deny everything what was happening until such time the guy came back and ask for forgiveness. Because she love him so much no matter what had happen and believe in chances, she forgave him and that was when she bore her daughter. Time passes and their life get miserable for she witness back the worst part of her life – her ex got another affair with some women. She though it was her demise, every dream she wish are now shattered. The ONLY DREAM she only wanted was to have a complete family. She cried realizing their family will never be mended and be always considered broken. They eventually broke up. She raised her two children by her own with the help of her father (their family is also a broken family). She work on her own until the kids grow and she couldn’t give much financial support to them and eventually ask for their responsibility of the father’s part. She swallow herself up even they are not in good terms with him just for the sake of her Kids. (their father is around 30 and doesn’t have a job ever since and just relying to his mother’s income). Right now, all she wanted was for her Kid’s future.

    She really did confine to me about her past. Her Kids. Her ex. Her Life. She was all shock when I told her I really still accept her. My feelings didn’t even wane and fade and yet grow even bolder and fonder. We see each other by schedule then (I’m 3 hours away from other city) every weekend until one day I meet her two wonderful and beloved Kids. I easily get acquainted with them (I was raise in a dynamic family with 11 siblings) and they easily get attach to me. My Life was turn around for them until one day I had to return to my Home City at October 31. The project was done. Everything was Heart aching. However I told her I’ll be coming back by Mid December for another project. I was assigned to another province here and there until I went back to what I had promised to her. We did live for a week together with her kids just like a family. Until again I went back home. It was really painful experience things like this over and over again. By January end, I went back again to Mindanao to a city that is just 2 hours travel to her city for another project. The hardest part was that handling two projects simultaneously. Because of my very less to no time, I wasn’t able to visited her until such one fine day,February 14, 2015, she called me and told me she will come over to my dorm with her kids to visit me. Of course, I was so very happy and I let them visit me.

    We go out the four of us, had meals together, we sleep until they went back home by tomorrow. I really love them as my family of my own. Until She went far to Luzon, finding another job there with her grandmother, leaving her kids back home. She said she was doing this for her kids I know how she love s them despite it was against her heart to leave them. She even said that is was just temporary until she’ll get the job she was after. We did have plan for both of us. I told her, I will no longer travelling by work but going to focus on my job at my hometown. I promise to her that if she could wait and still loves me, we will get married at 30. She requested if it’s alright if it could move to 32 or something because she’s still have fear and I don’t know why. She ask me that If I could wait for her too. And I said yes. And that’s how I got into this Circle.

    You see Ms Shirley, I really Love my Girlfriend, even though we are so far from each other, we still contact with one another. I know she is so busy at her job, working 7 in the morning until 7 at night with 2 day off every month. I know I will be always second to her heart because It’s always the kids that is primary to her love, and I still accept it. Ever since, everyday in the morning and every night before I went to sleep, she is the First and the Last person I ever think of. I was working so much hard right now, sometimes having sideline business and freelance job in order to have extra means of income because I’m saving for our future.

    The only thing I fear about Ms Shirley if ever she and her ex will return back? (I told her about my fear but she said no in earth they will ever be back again after what he has done) Is there something I will fear upon? I fear too what if she will be unfaithful. Will ever a single mom be unfaithful to too? I do really trust her, but I’m just afraid certain guys will exploit her or manipulate her to distrust about our relationship especially when we are in this long distance relationship. I can trust myself, cause i know myself. I trust my girlfriend. It’s just that third party thingy that I just don’t trust..

    • shirleymaya
      May 11, 2015

      Hi Winfred, I have replied your email weeks ago. I hope you have received and that all is well at your end. Take good care. 🙂

  • Rina
    August 16, 2015

    Thanks for the article. When the loneliness sinks in as I have not dated in 10 y too posts like yours make me feel I am not alone:)

    • shirleymaya
      August 22, 2015

      Hi Rina, thank you for taking the time to share. You are not definitely alone. We should never settle for anything less than what we deserve just because it is hard being alone. It is harder and a living nightmare when we are stuck with the wrong person for the rest of our lives. Stay positive and strong. Wishing you all the best. Hugs 🙂

  • Eugene Sunio
    October 30, 2015

    Hi Shirley, thank you very much for your post on dating single women. I am currently in a relationship with an amazing and wonderful single mother, we are planning to be married next July. Your message has reinforced a lot of things and made my resolve to be with her for the rest of life more solid. More power to you!